I realize it's been months since I've posted. It's been a rather boring winter, frankly. Little snow, little cold. The apple trees are blooming a whole month early, which makes me figure that apples prices will be through the roof this fall (summer) when the fruit comes in. But, why shouldn't apple prices be through the roof? Everything keeps climbing higher and higher, food, gas, books. It's discouraging. Not discounting the total discouragement of it being an election year. I dumped our house phone earlier than I had intended this year for the simple reason I was sick of getting phone calls from all those candidate headquarters.
Today was Palm Sunday. We begin another Holy Week. I posted last during the Christmas Holy Days and now here we are into the holiest of holy weeks. Normally this is truly my favorite and most Holy Holiday. This year I'm rather down. Me and Jesus have been having some heart to hearts of late and I KNOW what He says, but I can't say I like it much. I'm struggling in some areas, which I don't normally reveal publicly, but who cares really.
So, here's the deal. I've been having some "trust" issues. People are so stinking untrustworthy. Everyone has an agenda and trust be damned. If I can't have things "my" way, then, well, I'll lie or stretch or do whatever to get my way or make you feel guilty for getting yours. It may not even be a "thing", just your "idea". And this isn't in the "world" either. I've also been having some issues with commitment as well. Everyone talks the talk, you know? But, they have no thought to whether they walk the walk. Commitment. What does that mean? At baptism you promise to:
* Live according to the example & teachings of Jesus;
* Be a loyal member of this church, upholding it by your prayers, your PRESENCE, your SUBSTANCE and your SERVICE.
This is a VOW to GOD! Yet few (about 1.8%) tithe, few attend every Sunday, no one cares of they are late or skip worship for a more fun Sunday School, few pray at all; few help clean up after themselves or help another clean up after a meal; few can be bothered about fellowship; few even think about church members outside their own families; fewer still read their Bible during the week and fewer than THAT carry their Bible to church and OPEN IT!
How do I know this? How can I be so cruel to judge? Well, let's see.... I see the offering every week; I see the attendance every week and notice when you are not there; someone also notices when you were on Facebook when church is going on ~ playing "slots"; you are noticed when you waltz in 15 minutes or 30 minutes into the service or at the end; "someone" cleans up after you and your family and it's usually a faithful group of few. "Someone" turns out the lights that you leave on every week and locks the doors. Who are those people? Do you know? Why do you think there are Bibles in the pews? Why do you think every Sunday School curriculum prints the scripture in the book? Why do you think it is your children do not know that saying "lets pray" means bowing your heads or at least closing your eyes and sitting quietly? Why do you think it is that if the Pastor says, "turn to the book of 2nd Exodus" half of you are thumbing through a Bible or better yet, aren't laughing.
This is what gets to me. I realize that the Bible has said that these days would come. I realize that He has made it clear that there are many who are luke-warm (most, I'm thinking). But, for me, it's sad. Really, really sad. Because I wish.... really, really wish, that "my people" and I could really make an impact in this community. But, we can't. Because we can't even make an impact in our own fellowship or in our own home. Our lives are "too busy" or we are too self-absorbed or something.
Here is the clincher: In October 2010 Lisa Cook came to Love Feast ~ Just two months before her leaving us. She was so sick she could hardly sit through it, but she came. She NEVER, EVER missed. Lisa wasn't someone "special". She was just a born again Christian like everyone else claims to be. But, these things of God meant something to her. Attending church MEANT something to her. Really meant something to her. Yet, while 94 were in Church on Palm Sunday (quite a few were missing), we won't see 1/2 that at Love Feast on Thursday. It just doesn't matter. Being at Jesus' table just doesn't matter any more than being in Church on Sunday matters. Jesus really doesn't care..........does He? Does He? Does HE?
So, I am truly "down". Those who dare to read this might find me judgmental or hateful, legalistic or just "mean old Janet". But, what you don't see are the tears and the sorrow I feel for not getting it. For wanting to understand and not understanding the lack of commitment ~ this give a s**t attitude. Because Jesus said if you love Him then you will love His Sheep. And part of loving His sheep is being a part of His sheep-fold. He also said we are to love Him with all our HEART, MIND, SOUL and STRENGTH. Yet, we wouldn't miss a workday because we overslept and we wouldn't miss a company dinner if the boss invited you and we wouldn't miss a chance to have dinner with friends if you were invited a month ahead either.
I've been trying to just turn stuff over the One who can handle it all and most of the time I do okay. I read the scriptures daily (in fact often get carried away with the time spent) and I pray for all the people I can through the day. But... some times... like right now, I feel like chucking it all and saying forget it and wondering why Jesus hasn't come back for us.
Ahhhh, well... this is .... just is... Blessed Easter, Pashel, Holy Week.
