Through a Glass Darkly

I Corinthians 13:12 ~ For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

Like traveling in a rain storm being drenched on the windshield. It's like looking through a carnival glass. You can "see", but the images are distorted and the landscape is as odd as to be indiscernable from the road.

Such is life at this moment.

My mother in law has been the strongest women in my life. Mom stands very tall even in comparison to my own mother who told the doctor, "I will go home." And strutted in the door to die quietly in her bed within 48 hours.

Around six year ago Mom had a hip replacement. In the midst of her rehab she developed MRSA and ended up in a nursing home receiving IV antibiotics for a period of time. But, she came through well. Went home and spent the next few years in her chair with all but a scepter ruling her family from that chair. She drove to church and to the Dollar store and hid the times she fell or hit the garage door or otherwise did things she knew we would find troublesome. She complained when we didn't visit or call and often complained when we did. Her bitterness at her widowhood grew and her frugal living grew also.

Four years later during a visit with my son she revealed a horrific accident that resulted in some serious damage to her leg. In her desire to "hide the evidence" she developed cellulitis. Serious stuff when it comes to connective tissue and nerves. The leg was painful from there forward. Stubbornness has a price.

In May of this year (two years since that accident) she decided that the pain in her knee was worse than the pain in her hip, so she consented to another knee replacement. While we were not comfortable with the surgery, as she seemed frail to us, we knew it was her decision to make, along with the surgeon. We also had her 99% convinced in light of falls and whatnot that she should move in with us at the completion of this surgery.

Her surgery done and two pints of blood later, we had the good fortune of her going to Bridgewater Retirement Community for her rehab. She worked hard, complained much and was released to us in 21 days. In our "new" home, bought just for her, with TV and phone, she went through 3 more weeks of in house therapy. Her attitude became more and more combative as time went on. At the time we thought she could settle in here she announced she was going home. No consideration for the amount of money we had spent, were spending and were locked into spending she insisted on going back to her home. My dear husband in his prophetic wisdom said, "give me the name of the nursing home where you want to go. In six weeks you'll be there." Boy was she mad. I can still see the anger in her face and set of her jaw. Henry took her home that day. That very day. That was June 28th.

July 28th Henry and I were visiting a sister in Christ at a local nursing home. We received a call that Mom was in the ER in Winchester. Over the next days the story would unfold. Winchester had experienced a bit of a wind storm that had blown limbs out of her trees. The temperatures were in 100's, so even though she "complained" to both her sons, they both said it was too hot to be outside and that we were ALL staying inside. Not mom. On that Wednesday we spoke with her at 9:45 a.m. Our Missy spoke with her sometime before or after and she told her, (not us), that she was going outside to pick up sticks. As near as we can tell, she made a walk around the house and about 5' from the back porch steps she either: fainted or had a heart attack. Either way she lay in the sun for approximately two hours before a mail carrier came early and happen to see her blouse waving in the wind.

For five days she languished on a ventilator after arriving with a fever in "far excess" of 105.8, (doctors estimate 107), with third degree burns on her legs, a septic UTI, second degree burns on her stomach and a heart that was now working about about 30% it's capacity. Her life hung in a very delicate balance. But, when she decided to awaken, she did. Much to the surprise of the CCU doctor she awoke with no serious brain damage (though some continues to unfold), and willing to "get on with things".

On August 9th my husband had a knee replacement. On the 11th Mom came back to Bridgewater for rehab. Things were looking up. The doctors had already told mom she could not go home, so she had settled herself with the idea of coming to live with us. We were getting reacquainted with the idea and she asked that I bring things to our home. I loaded up my car and hauled personal items from her house to mine in expectation that on August 31st she'd be heading back to our house. Ahhhh, but not so fast...

August 21st we were celebrating Henry's birthday. We'd visited Mom that day and she seemed down a bit, but okay. At 6 p.m. we received a call that she was running a high fever and was not in her right mind. I spent the next 7 hours with her in the ER. She was admitted with a UTI. After careful examination it was determined she probably had cellulitis in her burn areas of her legs. On August 25th she had a debriding of her legs. A pic line was inserted on August 26th. On her 84th birthday, August 27th she was headed back to Bridgewater. Within fifteen minutes of her arrival a phone call from RMH informed them that she was a "C-diff" suspect (clostridium difficile) and should be in isolation. The move was traumatic for Mom. The test results were never provided so after her symptoms were alleviated she went back to her room. Once again we hoped she was on the road to recovery.

Bridgewater had nearly become her home. She was happy there, loved her caregivers and had settled in with the therapists to get better and come "home". Two of her great-grandsons were with us that week, so she was able to see them every day and was happily coming along.

Then... betrayal....

On Labor Day we went to see Mom. She didn't quite seem herself. She was moody and seemed tired. Henry left with a thought to her getting sick again. She had had some blood in her urine and had told the nurses.

3:00 a.m. the call came. High temp and delirious. Admitted with another UTI only this time.... this time it was VRE. Vancomycin-resistant enterococci. If you have never heard of it, don't worry. You will. It is the equal to AIDS. Perhaps worse than AIDS. AIDS has some political backing to keep the pariah attitude somewhat at bay. VRE has no political backing and creates fear in the heart of every "better" nursing home in the nation. Treating the VRE resulted in another case of C-diff and here we are. Bridgewater called to tell us there was "no room at the Inn". Neither was there "room" in any of the top three. From there it's down hill.

Meetings resulted with doctors, nurses, social workers. Learning of the chronic natures of these dis-eases. Learning that Mom's quality of life was quickly going out the window. Learning more than I ever wanted to know.

The end isn't here. Everything keeps going on and on and on. Mom's tired, we're tired... it's a never ending circle. Yesterday, when she was to be released to the nursing home of no one's choice a blood clot was discovered in her pic line. So she has a reprieve. Four more days in the hospital.

Through a glass darkly is becoming more and more a watch word for all of us. As people of strong faith we are now beginning to ask the "whys" and the answer is "through a glass darkly". Who knows? God knows. All the rest is just walking through the valley. Not stopping, not placing blame, not sleeping, not resting. Just walking. Walking through a sea of doctors, nurses, government bureaucracy and social workers. Walking.

I think I need new shoes.